By Victoria Myers
After my loss, I had a sobering realization. I realized that even though I was a believer, I was grieving like a non-believer. Could that be true of you, too? Perhaps you’re saying, “Wait—you mean that is possible? How?”
Grief Is Not Sin
Before we jump into the distinction in grief for believers vs. nonbelievers, first, let’s dispel a myth. Some hold to the erroneous notion that believers shouldn’t grieve at all. That is simply not true. Our grief may be just as hard and just as intense—and feeling that depth of sorrow doesn’t make you any less a follower of Christ. We shouldn’t
- side step it,
- hide it
- or shove it down
just because someone else insinuates we shouldn’t be grieving.
Ecclesiastes reminds us:
There is a time to weep and a time to mourn (Ecclesiastes 3:1–4).
Even Jesus showed us this truth: Fully aware that He would raise Lazarus from the dead, He wept at His friend’s tomb (John 11:33–36).
That means grief itself is not wrong or unspiritual. It is part of being human. In fact, Jesus assures us: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4)
God not only permits mourning, but He promises to meet us with comfort there. Why would he promise to meet us there and comfort us there unless He knew we might be there at some point?
The Difference for Believers
What makes a believer’s grief distinct from a nonbeliever’s? Many scriptures address this difference, but today we’ll examine one specifically.
What hope in Christ may look like:
- Hope of eternal life
- Assurance of God’s presence now
- Confidence in His promises
Further, this scripture reveals that our hope can be so deep and secure that even when we grieve the loss of a loved one, we can find solace in that hope. When our confidence is in God, the hope of eternity becomes a balm to our hurting hearts.
If I’m being honest, though,I’d have to admit that in the beginning, my hope and grief mixed about as well as oil and water.
The Hard Truth
After my loss, these words in 1 Thessalonians challenged me to consider whether my faith was as deep and hope-filled as I had believed. Scripture like this is meant to be a comfort—but if it isn’t, we may need to pause and ask what we’re missing?
When my son died, I realized I hadn’t yet grasped that hope deeply enough to steady me. I could say I believed in Heaven, but in my heart I wasn’t confident or comforted by it.
My faith was shaken to its core.
Maybe you’ve felt the same way. You love Jesus, yet when loss came crashing into your life, you found little difference in your grief versus the world’s.
When Deep Pain Seems to Disqualify Your Faith
So what should you do if you find yourself here? First realize it’s okay to feel this way. Your pain doesn’t disqualify you from your faith.
Understand you aren’t failing in your faith, you’re just needing to explore it more and deeper than has ever been required of you—likely because your faith has never been tested to this degree.
What did it take for me to find the depth of hope this scripture speaks of? It took
- diving deep into God’s word
- praying honestly
- and asking some hard questions. It took wrestling with God for answers. It even took realizing I wouldn’t get some of those answers on this side of Heaven but that I could move forward anyway.
I started to see the more that I studied and learned about the character of God the more I trusted Him and the more solid my hope became. And the more I trusted Him, the more His promises became real hope rather than words on a page.
In my loss I learned my faith needing some refining. Friend, might that be true for you as well?
Asking Honest Questions
Let me be clear: we are not called to “test God” in the sense of doubting Him, demanding signs, or manipulating Him.
But we can bring Him our
- honest
- even bitter
- pain-filled questions.
We can search His Word with sincerity and ask Him to reveal the truth.
In my case, every time I pressed in with my doubts, God met me with deeper understanding. My shaky faith was refined in the fire until it became stronger than it had ever been.
Understanding True Hope
Paul David Tripp shares a beautiful definition of biblical hope in his daily devotional New Morning Mercies. (A devotional I highly recommend.)He defines it as “a confident expectation of a guaranteed result that changes the way you live.”
That definition struck me. Worldly hope is uncertain — “I hope this will happen.” But biblical hope is secure — “God has promised, and I live differently because I know it’s true.”
Questions Worth Asking
So let me ask you:
- Do you have a confident expectation of eternity?
- Do you believe you have guaranteed results waiting for you because of Christ?
- Has that hope changed the way you live today?
- Is your relationship with God deep enough that you trust Him even in the hardest moments of life?
Friend, if you don’t feel confident in your hope yet, you’re not failing — you’re just being invited to go deeper with God.
A Final Word of Encouragement
If you find yourself grieving like a nonbeliever, you don’t have to stay there.
- Press into God’s Word.
- Learn His character.
- Ask Him hard questions.
Allow your pain to draw you closer to God and deepen your faith, not push you further away.
Holding on to hope, 🦋
Victoria
If this post spoke to you, I’d love for you to follow along for more faith-based reflections, encouragement for life’s hardest seasons, and updates about my upcoming book, God, You’re Fired: Reconstructing Your Life After Suicide Loss and Finding Healing, Hope, and a New Perspective.
You can also share your thoughts in the comments—I love hearing from you.